


Broken for the Moment

by merthurs_babe



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 10:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1853899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurs_babe/pseuds/merthurs_babe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I can’t die," he said pausing from his cigarette, "I have no life for the gods to take."</p>
<p>“That’s not true, and you know it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken for the Moment

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this post: http://writeyourselfin.tumblr.com/post/89805946816/writing-prompt

Merlin didn’t understand why the boy named Arthur cared so much. He knew Merlin’s life was fucked up beyond repair—having been orphaned when he was barely a child and the smoking addiction that taunted him every time he saw a cigarette. It wasn’t like Arthur had known him for years; they had met only months ago and, from that point on, Arthur has been trying to improve Merlin’s life.

Merlin’s always thought that there is two reasons someone is alive on this world. To build the world up or to destroy the world around them without even trying. Merlin was the second reason while Arthur was the first, so he knew it didn’t matter if anything happened to him. It didn’t matter what Arthur tried to do to help him. It was useless.

There was _no_ point.

Having lived a life like this for almost 27 years now, Merlin no longer feared death. He actually welcomed it, because this world was shit. Complete and utter shit. He wasn’t always like this, however. Merlin had a life before he started smoking.

Before he was kicked out of the house when his foster parents found out.

Before his life turned into an insane whirlpool of depression.

No, he wasn’t depressed. Well, at least he didn’t think he was, because he didn’t have to money to see a therapist to fix that, not that he was able to be fixed for that matter. As long as he could get by, Merlin would never admit his lack of money to himself. By no means was he jobless; he had a good-paying job that wasn’t so bad. It was the cost of the cigarettes that put him down the drain. Even if Arthur had met him such a short time ago, he was aware of Merlin’s situation with money (Merlin would never admit this to Arthur, but Arthur was the person he trusted the most—he felt that he could trust Arthur with anything. He’s never met anyone like him before.). There was one time when Arthur had made Merlin go through withdrawals, because he had hid Merlin’s cigarettes and wouldn’t let him buy more from the shops.

It didn’t work, as most could see. Merlin almost ended up in the hospital and Arthur couldn’t allow that to happen, so he gave up and let Merlin have one. Merlin felt bad that that happened, but he knew that no matter how hard Arthur would try, Merlin couldn’t be fixed.

“Merlin, please. I can’t bare to see you practically giving yourself cancer in front of me.” Arthur winced and glanced away from Merlin while he took a drag from his newly lit cigarette. They were currently sitting outside in lawn chairs on the balcony to their flat—Merlin having a smoke as usual and Arthur watching him like he always does.

“Then I suggest you leave me be until I’m done, because I’m not about to throw this one away. I just lit it!” Merlin muttered almost inaudibly, but loud enough for Arthur to hear. Arthur sent him a cold glare as he got from his chair to approach the edge of the balcony. He rested his hands on the fence, his fingers automatically wrapping around it tightly. His head loosely fell so that it hanging over the edge, the frown he wore permanently etched to his face.

“You are going to die if you keep it up.” Arthur’s voice shook as if he trying to keep it calm, but he was clearly outraged by Merlin’s answer.

"I can’t die," he said pausing from his cigarette, "I have no life for the gods to take."

“That’s not true, and you know it.” Merlin’s never heard Arthur so angry before. Normally it’s just minimal comments that are woven with venom in them, but Arthur was going on a full on rant at him. It was starting to scare Merlin a teeny bit.

“ _Listen,_ Arthur, no matter what you think you can fix, you can't. Why do you even bother to anyways? I know this is hard for you to understand, but I’m a fucked up mess. Whatever you're trying to do, it won’t work. I’m a broken toy that can’t be fixed. Why can’t you just admit that to yourself?” Merlin growled, then placed the cigarette between his lips again. Arthur, to Merlin’s surprise, clenched his fists tightly and turned around to bend down closer to Merlin’s face. Merlin didn’t know what he was doing and didn’t want to know, but before he could take another drag, Arthur ripped the cigarette from his mouth. He watched Arthur throw it to the ground and stomp it out with Merlin’s mouth agape.

“I’m not letting you die. I don’t care how fucking badly you want to, but I’m not letting that happen to you!”

“Why do you care so much? It’s not like I’m important to anyone!” Merlin’s finger gripped the handle bars of the chair, his jaw clenching. 

“You’re important to me! Why can’t you see that! I live every day to try to lead you towards a better life and this is what I get! I can’t even believe you right now, Merlin! Maybe if you stopped smoking those damn cigarettes, you’d notice all that I do for you!” Merlin let out a soft breath, furrowing his eyebrows. Everything Arthur just said was like a slap in the face, and didn’t feel good.

“If you hate me that much, why haven’t you left yet? I can see I’m a disappointment to you.” Merlin tried, forcing himself to look up at Arthur.

“Because I don’t want to lose you! Why is this so hard for you to understand!” Arthur spat in irritation, his voice cracking a little at the end, and squeezed his eyelids closed, but Merlin could see the glassy look to his eyes before he had done that. He observed Arthur pacing frantically along the balcony, making Merlin’s expression soften and he feel his stomach tie up in knots. Placing his clasped hands in front of his lips, he responded to Arthur in a gentler way.

“I’m sorry.” This made Arthur stop walking back and forth and open his eyes to stare at Merlin in shock. Most people weren’t aware of this, but Merlin never apologized for anything he did. He never had, until now.

“What?”

“Don’t make me repeat it.” Merlin whispered quietly, squeezing his hands that were interlocked with each other tighter. Arthur tilted his head to the side while he took his seat next to Merlin again, biting his lip.

“You apologized.”

“I know.”

“You apologized to me.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve probably ruined your life, and I can see that now. I know you regret ever stepping foot into the bar a few months ago, so I’m sorry that I’ve ruined your life for you.” Merlin couldn’t hold it in anymore, which meant the words kept coming from his mouth like word vomit. He had to let it all out.

“How could you say that?” Arthur frowned sadly, his expression tense but sympathetic. “I could never and will never regret meeting you, Merlin. If I didn’t want you in my life, then I would’ve left ages ago, but I’m still here. I care about you, Merlin, and I don’t want to see your life go to waste like is now.” Every word felt like a blow to his heart, and he shut his eyes tightly. His hands moved to hold onto the handles of the chair again as he tried to process what Arthur had told him.

“You’re just saying that, because you have to.” Merlin whimpered, pressing his lips in a thin line as he felt Arthur’s hand grab ahold of his tightly in a comforting way. “Why did you save me in the bar when we first met? You could’ve let me die in that bar-fight, but you saved me, knowing I was this horrible mess that I currently am. Why?” He needed the truth. Merlin needed to know why Arthur saved him months ago when he must have angered someone and got into a bar fight. Arthur was there to save him, but he couldn’t think of a reason why.

“I didn’t see a horrible mess. I saw someone who was in need of help. I looked past your flaws, Merlin, and I was determined from that day forth to help you until the day I die. I’m not going back on my promise.” This made a tear leak from his closed eyelids, and his bottom lip quivered.

“You say – You say these things that are so full of hope and determination,” Merlin swallowed the lump in his throat, opening his eyes to cast a gaze in Arthur’s direction. “You make me feel like I’ll be somebody. Then I look at my life, and – and it just comes crashing down around me.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way. Anyone can succeed if they try, but it counts for nothing if they don’t believe in themselves.” Arthur murmured, lifting his hand up to wipe away the tear that had found its way down Merlin’s cheeks.

“It’s just _so_ hard, Arthur.” Merlin could feel the rush off tears attack him, obviously losing the battle of not crying in front of people. Merlin doesn’t like the attention, so he stirs away from crying like this in front of company of any kind. Arthur instantly moved from his seat to kneel down in front of Merlin’s sitting figure. His hand carefully rubbed circles on his knee as he frowned deeply at Merlin.

“I know it is, but I can assure you that you can get through this funk. I believe in you.” Arthur commented quietly, suddenly feeling the deepest sympathy for Merlin he’s ever felt. It was silent (except for Merlin sobs and hiccups) after that, and, before Arthur knew it, Merlin had leaned forward to wrap Arthur in a tight hug. Arthur hesitantly hugged him back while Merlin buried his face in Arthur’s neck.

“You – You are the m-most amazing person I’ve – I’ve ever met. Thank you.” Merlin managed to choke out and Arthur couldn’t help but let a small smile come across his face.

“You’re welcome.” He said simply, pulling Merlin impossibly closer. They stayed in that position for who knows how long, Merlin gradually ending his long train of cries to only sniffles. Arthur knew that he should let go of Merlin now, but he couldn’t. Merlin was like a magnet and Arthur couldn’t let go. He needed to make sure Merlin was okay before he did that, and he wasn’t sure if Merlin had made it to that point yet.

“Arthur?” Merlin’s voice was weak and quiet, making Arthur hold him tighter.

“Yeah?” Merlin managed to pull away slightly from Arthur to be able to look at him, which meant both of their foreheads were pressed together. They looked at each other for a while, Merlin almost forgetting what he was going to say.

“I, er –” He stopped in the middle of his sentence, gulping. His eyes flickered from Arthur’s lips to his eyes a few times after he realized how close they were, his heart speeding up. “I wanted, um, to show you – erm – something.” Arthur’s eyes were filled with confusion and Merlin took a deep breath. He slowly untangled himself from Arthur’s body, much to Arthur’s dismay, and reached into his pocket for something. When Arthur saw Merlin pull out his package of cigarettes, he immediately frowned.

“What are you–” Merlin held a finger to Arthur’s lips, biting his own lower lip.

“Just watch.” Merlin shakily stood up, Arthur instantly doing the same to make sure his friend doesn’t fall over. He followed after Merlin’s slouching figure as they went inside their flat and making their way towards the kitchen.

“Merlin. What are we doing?” Merlin shook his head, refusing to answer Arthur’s confused questions. Finally, Merlin stopped in front of the trashcan and opened up the lid with his free hand. “Oh – Oh, my god. Are you doing what I think you’re doing?” Merlin shut his eyes, gripping onto the pack of cigarettes tighter. Forcing himself to nod, Merlin unclenched his hand and the package fell from his hand and inside the trashcan.

“I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you.”

“Oh, Merlin!” Arthur exclaimed and Merlin felt himself being wrapped in a tight hug from behind. Merlin bit his lip as a soft smile came across his face. He could faintly hear Arthur's happy murmurs against his neck, but Merlin wasn't listening. All he could think was  _Finally, I've done something right._

 

**-End**


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